Thanks to everyone who stopped by. I'm doing well now. I feel much better. Every one is back to normal in my family. Life has been good of recent. I cannot lie and its only if i want to be ungrateful that i wont thank God for everything.
Well its been like this- since i made up my mind to relocate back, i have been busy trying to tie up loose ends and start packing. I almost had a heart attack when i looked up ticket prices for when i want to go home, and then adding cargo cost of shipping some stuff home, i was looking at a bill of about £4,000.
Honestly for a whole day i could not think. Due to some other commitments, I have not been able to save for a couple of months now, so am thinking where am i going to come up with all that money and i am determined not to see january 08 in this country.
So first up my bro A1 calls and says whatever the ticket money for Timi and myself, he's going to pay. am starting to smile. Then my cousin says he's not going to nigeria again this year so he'll lend me some money for cargo and mama3 says she'll give me the rest.
Am i smiling or am i smiling? Am practically going home free. Well apart from my cousin's money which i pay back only when i get a job.
Am excited to be going home, but on the other hand a lot of drama, trouble n wahala that seems to be a shadow stuck on most pple you know back home is going to become part of you again.
Let me share with you. A few weeks back my best friend calls me. Her former room mate is pregnant. Roomate has a degree and is waiting for service. She does not know what to do. Father of child useless. What am i supposed to do? As per being friends with her also i have to be supportive.
I ask my friend what does she want me to do? she says i have been in the same position myself before so i should encourage her.
Please can anyone tell me are there any similarities between a 16yr old with only school cert and a 28 yr old who has a degree?
I have called our friend but she has not told me anything and i can't ask her because it would be like BF is talking about her. She has only asked me when i'm coming back and that she has something to come and discuss with me. I don't know what it is or what it can be. Or maybe in a couple of months i tell you i have just adopted a baby (smiling).
Anyway at this stage there is nothing i can do until i get home.
Sunday 28 October 2007
Wednesday 3 October 2007
GOOBYE SEPTEMBER
Ever had one of those times when it feels as if everything happens all at once. Well September has been it for me. I still had all the August drama and tensions and all sorts have happened again .
Spetember is a bittersweet month for me. I cannot curse or hate September because my greatest joys and greatest sorrows have been in the month of September.
My mother was born at the beggining of the month, my father at the end of the month. My nephew and cousin are also born in September. But September also took away my father and has now taken away my nephew. When my cousin reaches every 30th of Spetember, she has made another year, I suppose i should be grateful, cuz we could lose her at any time......
Sometimes i find myself wondering why all this should be happening now. Just when i had decided to get my life together. Sometimes i don't even know what to think. But one thing is for sure, i have made up my mind, am relocating back home. Unfortunately, its taken some very tough times, but what we all need in times of trial is our family's support. I tell you it's not easy coping alone with half of our family on another side of the world.Its not been an easy decision cuz every morning i still wake up and think am i doing the right thing.
I don't even know where to start packing up from. Its amazing the amount of junk we all pick up in a short amount of time, and i've come to find out that we nigerians are the worst pack rats of all. Its definetely not good to come from the type of society we have back home. You are always reluctant to throw something out cuz you think someone, somewhere back home will have better use for it.
Anyway i think i had better start with a list of things we'll need back home and then start moving on from there. then there's a job to start looking for and all the other things to think of.
When i start getting worried now about everything i just tell myself LT take it one day at a time and that what am going to do. I just need to beleive it first.
Spetember is a bittersweet month for me. I cannot curse or hate September because my greatest joys and greatest sorrows have been in the month of September.
My mother was born at the beggining of the month, my father at the end of the month. My nephew and cousin are also born in September. But September also took away my father and has now taken away my nephew. When my cousin reaches every 30th of Spetember, she has made another year, I suppose i should be grateful, cuz we could lose her at any time......
Sometimes i find myself wondering why all this should be happening now. Just when i had decided to get my life together. Sometimes i don't even know what to think. But one thing is for sure, i have made up my mind, am relocating back home. Unfortunately, its taken some very tough times, but what we all need in times of trial is our family's support. I tell you it's not easy coping alone with half of our family on another side of the world.Its not been an easy decision cuz every morning i still wake up and think am i doing the right thing.
I don't even know where to start packing up from. Its amazing the amount of junk we all pick up in a short amount of time, and i've come to find out that we nigerians are the worst pack rats of all. Its definetely not good to come from the type of society we have back home. You are always reluctant to throw something out cuz you think someone, somewhere back home will have better use for it.
Anyway i think i had better start with a list of things we'll need back home and then start moving on from there. then there's a job to start looking for and all the other things to think of.
When i start getting worried now about everything i just tell myself LT take it one day at a time and that what am going to do. I just need to beleive it first.
JUST YESTERDAY
All events occured in 48hrs
Just yesterday, we all woke up across two different continents. We called one another, we spoke, we teased,we laughed, all was well.
Just yesterday, we made plans for the future, most especially concerning you cuz you were precious to us.
Just yesterday, the horizon looked bright, you were set to make your mark in our little world.
Just yesterday all was well.
Just yesterday, i went to the shops, looking for things for you, picking things up and putting them down if i did not like them. Do you want to know what i bought? Maybe i'll tell you when my heart isn't breaking anymore.
Just yesterday, we were undecided on who you would turn out to be like, soft like your brother or strong and formidable like your sister.
Just yesterday, i told Timi he soon get to be with you, just yesterday life was beautiful.
Then the tide turns over,
Just yesterday, i woke up and heard your gran on the phone,speaking in the native tongue "we'll benefit from our children". I ask "who are you speaking to?"She says "aunty T". I wonder why so early? but i keep quiet. And then i notice she looks sad, "what's wrong?" i ask. She says you did not make it.
I stop. "what's going on? i ask,"what happened"? i'm confused.
Then she says you were fine, you took a turn and then you died. "when did all this happen i ask?" A1 called in the night and we decided not to wake you up.
Am in a daze, this cannot be happenin i say? you were just born. The newest addition to our family. No i say this cannot be happening.
I still can't process it,all in the space of 6 hours. Life isn't fair.
I didn't get it until i heard your gran telling your dad that she does not know how it feels cuz she has never lost a child. And then it dawns on me and then i lose it completely.
I lock myself up in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Its true you were gone. You were going to be buried. My brother had lost a child.
Everyone says its for the best but am undecided.
It took me 2 days to pull myself together, by then your parents had started worrying about me. But its not about me, its all about you cuz we are two of a kind.
I still cannot speak to your mother cuz i don't know what to say. It still feels as if a part of me has been ripped out and refuses to mend.
I will celebrate your life for the short time you gave us.
I have learnt a new trick, but its so sad. I have learnt to use my eye drops to mask my tears. Its hard thinking about you and all the what if's.
I don't like, i don't want it, but i accept you had to go.
OLUWALONIMI
Just yesterday, we all woke up across two different continents. We called one another, we spoke, we teased,we laughed, all was well.
Just yesterday, we made plans for the future, most especially concerning you cuz you were precious to us.
Just yesterday, the horizon looked bright, you were set to make your mark in our little world.
Just yesterday all was well.
Just yesterday, i went to the shops, looking for things for you, picking things up and putting them down if i did not like them. Do you want to know what i bought? Maybe i'll tell you when my heart isn't breaking anymore.
Just yesterday, we were undecided on who you would turn out to be like, soft like your brother or strong and formidable like your sister.
Just yesterday, i told Timi he soon get to be with you, just yesterday life was beautiful.
Then the tide turns over,
Just yesterday, i woke up and heard your gran on the phone,speaking in the native tongue "we'll benefit from our children". I ask "who are you speaking to?"She says "aunty T". I wonder why so early? but i keep quiet. And then i notice she looks sad, "what's wrong?" i ask. She says you did not make it.
I stop. "what's going on? i ask,"what happened"? i'm confused.
Then she says you were fine, you took a turn and then you died. "when did all this happen i ask?" A1 called in the night and we decided not to wake you up.
Am in a daze, this cannot be happenin i say? you were just born. The newest addition to our family. No i say this cannot be happening.
I still can't process it,all in the space of 6 hours. Life isn't fair.
I didn't get it until i heard your gran telling your dad that she does not know how it feels cuz she has never lost a child. And then it dawns on me and then i lose it completely.
I lock myself up in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Its true you were gone. You were going to be buried. My brother had lost a child.
Everyone says its for the best but am undecided.
It took me 2 days to pull myself together, by then your parents had started worrying about me. But its not about me, its all about you cuz we are two of a kind.
I still cannot speak to your mother cuz i don't know what to say. It still feels as if a part of me has been ripped out and refuses to mend.
I will celebrate your life for the short time you gave us.
I have learnt a new trick, but its so sad. I have learnt to use my eye drops to mask my tears. Its hard thinking about you and all the what if's.
I don't like, i don't want it, but i accept you had to go.
OLUWALONIMI
Saturday 15 September 2007
UPDATING
I haven't been able to post anything for the past couple of days and its thanks to my computer. It just freezes after i've put it on for like 10mins. The computer guru in my house says its the anti virus on it, am still waiting for him to fix it and i know it will be like next year or so.
Ok o, i did not get the job, but i wasn't too disappointed In actual fact with everything that has happened lately, i think its a good thing i did not get the job.
My mum is feeling a bit better now, she's back home now. I can't beleive how stressed i was then. I was always so lost in thought then, i missed the stop of the hospital twice and i had to walk back. But the doctors found out she has a problem with her neck now and it can go worse at anytime,( she went in for an operation on her back) am still a bit worried but am not as bad as i was before.
I couldn't sleep and i was always worrying about all the what ifs. If i had got the job, i would be in nigeria by now still with a thousand and one things still unsettled.
Anyway they say all is well that ends well. I am keeping my fingers crossed and i know she will be fine.
I finally found out my friend was in debt and she was too ashamed to tell me. It took another friend to give me the whole gist. To say i was annoyed was an understatement. Then i also found out she had annoyed a friend here who reported her to me. Thankfully i have sorted that out.
And finally i started sorting my self out. It started with a conversation about business. I want to go back home and i had not decided whether i wanted to get a job or go into business. So i bring up this business idea and decide to discuss it. After my mum had finished telling me the pitfalls, i went into anger mode at nobody wanting to support me. To cut a long story short, she lambasted me, not in an angry way but in a look at your track record, its not that impressive.
Then i went through all the phases of denial, silence, anger and finally acceptance. We talked through so many things that had happened over the years and finally things i had buried that i had almost wiped out of my memory.
It was a couple of dark days, i was always crying at the slightest thing, couldn't eat. I think the worst thing was that i did not have anyone to talk to. At that time family were the last people i wanted to share my feelings with.
Then my ray of light came at worship on sunday and we had the talk about God forgiving us even before we were born. It was so uplifting. There and then i made up my mind not to look back at the past anymore and concentrate on the future. Most of all it the sermon talked about letting go and that is one weakness i have or had. Its not as if i dont forgive or forget things, its just that i didn't know how to let things go.
I've seen that its not recent things that happened or trival things, rather like my mother said sometimes i go into victim mode. Sometimes its easy and i forget i ever had a traumatic past and sometimes even the littlest of things trigger it. But now that i've decided i want to get on with my life without any shadows hanging over, i told my mum that out of all those "people" in my past, there are 2 of them that i still hate and when i get back to nigeria i am going to go and look for them and confront them.
I know it will not be easy but i want closure on my past.
Ok o, i did not get the job, but i wasn't too disappointed In actual fact with everything that has happened lately, i think its a good thing i did not get the job.
My mum is feeling a bit better now, she's back home now. I can't beleive how stressed i was then. I was always so lost in thought then, i missed the stop of the hospital twice and i had to walk back. But the doctors found out she has a problem with her neck now and it can go worse at anytime,( she went in for an operation on her back) am still a bit worried but am not as bad as i was before.
I couldn't sleep and i was always worrying about all the what ifs. If i had got the job, i would be in nigeria by now still with a thousand and one things still unsettled.
Anyway they say all is well that ends well. I am keeping my fingers crossed and i know she will be fine.
I finally found out my friend was in debt and she was too ashamed to tell me. It took another friend to give me the whole gist. To say i was annoyed was an understatement. Then i also found out she had annoyed a friend here who reported her to me. Thankfully i have sorted that out.
And finally i started sorting my self out. It started with a conversation about business. I want to go back home and i had not decided whether i wanted to get a job or go into business. So i bring up this business idea and decide to discuss it. After my mum had finished telling me the pitfalls, i went into anger mode at nobody wanting to support me. To cut a long story short, she lambasted me, not in an angry way but in a look at your track record, its not that impressive.
Then i went through all the phases of denial, silence, anger and finally acceptance. We talked through so many things that had happened over the years and finally things i had buried that i had almost wiped out of my memory.
It was a couple of dark days, i was always crying at the slightest thing, couldn't eat. I think the worst thing was that i did not have anyone to talk to. At that time family were the last people i wanted to share my feelings with.
Then my ray of light came at worship on sunday and we had the talk about God forgiving us even before we were born. It was so uplifting. There and then i made up my mind not to look back at the past anymore and concentrate on the future. Most of all it the sermon talked about letting go and that is one weakness i have or had. Its not as if i dont forgive or forget things, its just that i didn't know how to let things go.
I've seen that its not recent things that happened or trival things, rather like my mother said sometimes i go into victim mode. Sometimes its easy and i forget i ever had a traumatic past and sometimes even the littlest of things trigger it. But now that i've decided i want to get on with my life without any shadows hanging over, i told my mum that out of all those "people" in my past, there are 2 of them that i still hate and when i get back to nigeria i am going to go and look for them and confront them.
I know it will not be easy but i want closure on my past.
Monday 3 September 2007
I BELIEVE
I believe
things happen for a reason.
I believe
that when someone or something comes into your life, its for a reason.
I believe
life has a reason.
I believe in my tomorrow.
I believe
my experiences were for a reason.
I beleive
my being here is for a reason.
I believe
I have found that reason.
things happen for a reason.
I believe
that when someone or something comes into your life, its for a reason.
I believe
life has a reason.
I believe in my tomorrow.
I believe
my experiences were for a reason.
I beleive
my being here is for a reason.
I believe
I have found that reason.
Thursday 23 August 2007
FAITH
I don't know where to start but it seems am getting my faith back. I don't know or recollect when it went, all i know is that i had lost it somehow. It didn't go away without leaving consequences.
I stopped going to worship. It wasn't as if i wanted a change in religon or church or anything like that - i just got fed up with everything. It was all about me,but selfishly i did not realise how it was affecting others around me.
It was not until my bro came up to me and asked why i was at home on sunday mornings, then my mother said my son was asking why i wasn't coming anymore or why i wasnt joining in any devotion before i realised that my actions were leaving an impression on my son.
Did i want him to have that type of image about me? No way. I remember i used to tell people that my mother's prayers were working overtime on me, that if it were left entirely to me, i don't even want to imagine what would have happened to me.
It made me start thinking i want to be someone who could be counted upon Spiritually, like the time my other bro A1 called my mum in the middle of the night and asked her to pray for a family friend. He had that much convinction in her. I felt thoroughly ashamed of myself and decided to make a change.
Resolution: I started going back to worship, felt my heart almost burst with pride when Timi gave his first public reading in worship but it wasn't until i went away and suddenly just realised that something had changed and i had started getting perspective back.
Been punching away at the computer even though have a lot of work staring me in the face but i just feel the need to write. I guess am a bit scared, my mum is in hospital for an operation and am trying not think about it. It was one of the reasons we all went away on holiday together.
I also have a job interview coming up next week and to be thruthful, i am scared. If its succesful then it will mean a change from all i've ever known.
Oh, i've just looked at the time i have less than an hour to be at the hospital. guess i have to continue this later,.
It feels good to be back. At least my blog is familiar.
I stopped going to worship. It wasn't as if i wanted a change in religon or church or anything like that - i just got fed up with everything. It was all about me,but selfishly i did not realise how it was affecting others around me.
It was not until my bro came up to me and asked why i was at home on sunday mornings, then my mother said my son was asking why i wasn't coming anymore or why i wasnt joining in any devotion before i realised that my actions were leaving an impression on my son.
Did i want him to have that type of image about me? No way. I remember i used to tell people that my mother's prayers were working overtime on me, that if it were left entirely to me, i don't even want to imagine what would have happened to me.
It made me start thinking i want to be someone who could be counted upon Spiritually, like the time my other bro A1 called my mum in the middle of the night and asked her to pray for a family friend. He had that much convinction in her. I felt thoroughly ashamed of myself and decided to make a change.
Resolution: I started going back to worship, felt my heart almost burst with pride when Timi gave his first public reading in worship but it wasn't until i went away and suddenly just realised that something had changed and i had started getting perspective back.
Been punching away at the computer even though have a lot of work staring me in the face but i just feel the need to write. I guess am a bit scared, my mum is in hospital for an operation and am trying not think about it. It was one of the reasons we all went away on holiday together.
I also have a job interview coming up next week and to be thruthful, i am scared. If its succesful then it will mean a change from all i've ever known.
Oh, i've just looked at the time i have less than an hour to be at the hospital. guess i have to continue this later,.
It feels good to be back. At least my blog is familiar.
AFTER THE HOLIDAYS
Can't believe its been about 3 weeks since i went near a computer. Holidays - now i know why its called holidays. It was really nice, totally relaxing and comfortable. Waking up and just lying in bed knowing you don't have to make breakfast was blissful.
The family we stayed with were totally refreshing, actually felt a bit like naija. You know when all relatives are around and you generally just have a good time. To be honest didn't think i would really enjoy myself as am not into castles and all the scenery but i really enjoyed myself, though the day b4 we got back, mama3 and i had some words. Sometimes its not good to go on holiday with your family.
I survived the food with some technics(sneaked salt from the kitchen and literally covered everything in black pepper). I didn't want to risk any of the hosts sneezing so i decided not to use our red pepper. And anyway i had to set a good example for Timi, to be gracious and eat anything you are given in anyones house. Its only polite.
Why do they say you always need a holiday after coming back from one. The house was clean at least(A2 didn't want to risk 2 females on his head) but it felt cluttered after all that relaxing feling. Still havent got round to doing the laundry.
Well i hope the weather continues dry and i can have a bit more rest b4 September comes.
The family we stayed with were totally refreshing, actually felt a bit like naija. You know when all relatives are around and you generally just have a good time. To be honest didn't think i would really enjoy myself as am not into castles and all the scenery but i really enjoyed myself, though the day b4 we got back, mama3 and i had some words. Sometimes its not good to go on holiday with your family.
I survived the food with some technics(sneaked salt from the kitchen and literally covered everything in black pepper). I didn't want to risk any of the hosts sneezing so i decided not to use our red pepper. And anyway i had to set a good example for Timi, to be gracious and eat anything you are given in anyones house. Its only polite.
Why do they say you always need a holiday after coming back from one. The house was clean at least(A2 didn't want to risk 2 females on his head) but it felt cluttered after all that relaxing feling. Still havent got round to doing the laundry.
Well i hope the weather continues dry and i can have a bit more rest b4 September comes.
Friday 3 August 2007
ONE YEAR OLDER
Am a year older. Being a year older means a lot of things,achiebemnets and highlights,
lowlights and areas to work on.
One year older means a lot of things but this is for you - My Baby.
Oluwatimilehin - i only had the Lord wen u were born and so shall he be with you all your
life.
When i first got pregnant, i was happy and scared. Why both, you may ask? I was happy
because i would have someone to call my own and i was scared cuz i didn't know the first
thing about being a mother.
No one knows and you may never know all your life, but you were my saving grace.
Your first movements inside me, made me start counting down the days.
Labour- O joy of joys- you made it under 6 hrs. I guess you were just as impatient to see me
as i was to see you.
When you were placed in my arms, i knew a girl had gone and a woman had arrived.
I remember your first smile, ur first sitting and ur first crawl. Your face with the first
teeth, the first time you stood on your own and your first steps are firmly etched in my
brain and nothing can take them away.
I remember you hated taking a nap and i must have tried every trick in the book by the time
you were 6 months. You still hate takin a nap.
When you spoke, you spoke my name with only the vowels. You threw the consonants away.
My baby is now a toddler and people don't beleive you are mine.
I recall you first punishment - u were just under 2, u looked so cute when kneeling down.
You started school and i had to let go, i wasn't your only world anymore.
Our paths from here on hasn't been the smoothest- I wont win best mother awards but i win
awards for being your loving mother. I have made mistakes, Lord knows i have but i guess
we've both turned out pretty well.
You are 9 now and soon u'll be 10, the crossing point. I guess i have to start letting you
go but i dont want to.
Oh my baby, i wish you were still little, so i could pick you up and throw you in the air,
or i could put you on my back again.
I would do anything to hear you ask 2 watch PostmanPat again, but you've grown.
I want to take back those times i shouted at you because of my frustrations, not of anger or
hardships but of being alone.
My baby - you'll never know what it means to be alone and lonely as long as i breathe.
I would love to give you a bro or sis to play with cuz i know you want 1, but ur nana would
kill me if i came home with a babe in my arms without a mister.
I know i can never be mother and father but i promise i'll do my best.
You feel its time you started growin up and you want to be a big boy. Nature must take its
course but u'll never know its the little things u do that lets me know i still have my
baby.
- When you turn back at the school gate and wave 2 me.( i can't walk you 2 school anymore -
u r a big boy).
- When you try to "scope" me a million times a day with Can i?
- When you come home full of excitement. I did this n that and my teacher gave me a sticker
4 being good and you put the sticker on my shirt.
- Most especially when you come home and say i made this for you in school or i painted this
for you.
- How ur face changes and start answering questions with yes ma at the sight of "eba stick"
or thought of punishment.
All the unconditional love a child has, u give 2 me and am truly grateful.
So my dear boy, its not me Single girl that is a year older, its your mother, the one trying
to get all things right that is a year older.
lowlights and areas to work on.
One year older means a lot of things but this is for you - My Baby.
Oluwatimilehin - i only had the Lord wen u were born and so shall he be with you all your
life.
When i first got pregnant, i was happy and scared. Why both, you may ask? I was happy
because i would have someone to call my own and i was scared cuz i didn't know the first
thing about being a mother.
No one knows and you may never know all your life, but you were my saving grace.
Your first movements inside me, made me start counting down the days.
Labour- O joy of joys- you made it under 6 hrs. I guess you were just as impatient to see me
as i was to see you.
When you were placed in my arms, i knew a girl had gone and a woman had arrived.
I remember your first smile, ur first sitting and ur first crawl. Your face with the first
teeth, the first time you stood on your own and your first steps are firmly etched in my
brain and nothing can take them away.
I remember you hated taking a nap and i must have tried every trick in the book by the time
you were 6 months. You still hate takin a nap.
When you spoke, you spoke my name with only the vowels. You threw the consonants away.
My baby is now a toddler and people don't beleive you are mine.
I recall you first punishment - u were just under 2, u looked so cute when kneeling down.
You started school and i had to let go, i wasn't your only world anymore.
Our paths from here on hasn't been the smoothest- I wont win best mother awards but i win
awards for being your loving mother. I have made mistakes, Lord knows i have but i guess
we've both turned out pretty well.
You are 9 now and soon u'll be 10, the crossing point. I guess i have to start letting you
go but i dont want to.
Oh my baby, i wish you were still little, so i could pick you up and throw you in the air,
or i could put you on my back again.
I would do anything to hear you ask 2 watch PostmanPat again, but you've grown.
I want to take back those times i shouted at you because of my frustrations, not of anger or
hardships but of being alone.
My baby - you'll never know what it means to be alone and lonely as long as i breathe.
I would love to give you a bro or sis to play with cuz i know you want 1, but ur nana would
kill me if i came home with a babe in my arms without a mister.
I know i can never be mother and father but i promise i'll do my best.
You feel its time you started growin up and you want to be a big boy. Nature must take its
course but u'll never know its the little things u do that lets me know i still have my
baby.
- When you turn back at the school gate and wave 2 me.( i can't walk you 2 school anymore -
u r a big boy).
- When you try to "scope" me a million times a day with Can i?
- When you come home full of excitement. I did this n that and my teacher gave me a sticker
4 being good and you put the sticker on my shirt.
- Most especially when you come home and say i made this for you in school or i painted this
for you.
- How ur face changes and start answering questions with yes ma at the sight of "eba stick"
or thought of punishment.
All the unconditional love a child has, u give 2 me and am truly grateful.
So my dear boy, its not me Single girl that is a year older, its your mother, the one trying
to get all things right that is a year older.
HOLIDAYS
I had been really looking forward to the holidays so that i would at least have some rest but in 10 days so far, i didn't think so much could happen.
School hols began on the 21st and my son Timi had already prepared a long list of things to do for the hols. We usually go away for a couple of days n this time its scotland, but am not looking forward to the trip. I am not into castles and dungeons but since they will be studying them in his class next year i have no choice but to go.( We have done Romans, Vikings and all d rest).
I really do not understand why they are learning all this.My own summer holidays at his age was filled with playing all kinds of football and cooking rice in derica tins ( sand, stones and pangolo).
I have gone to hit the shops all in the name of summer sale, but tell me how u r supposed to enjoy shopping wen you are in the rain all day?
Next we have had 2 major incidents with water. First Timi flooded the kitchen by blocking up the sink. If looks could kill, then all the looks he got on saturday morning would have buried him. We were supposed to go out and enjoy a little sun but then we had to spend the next 3hrs washing and drying the kitchen out.
Unfortunately for someone, yours truly just sat down and was watching him. I didn't think he believed he was going to wash out the whole kitchen himself ( The look on his face was priceless - i wish i remembered to get the camera). I was throughly enjoying myself by telling him he had missed spots and he had to go back to do them.
Then the incident that made my whole week, my mum fell into the North Sea. I laughed so much i almost cried, but it was my fault well not totally but a bit sha.
We live in a small coastal town, and when the sun finally decided to show face, we had a day out on the beach. Everything had been going fine until i decided to become an amatuer model o. I wanted my mum to take a picture of me catching the wave, i honestly don't know wat happened, the next thing i knew she and the camera were in the sea and a lifeguard had already come to help her out.
She was fully clothed and we didn't have a change of clothes, by the time we got home after walking across the sand- we looked like a ragged bunch.
At least the memory card is ok so we saved the pictures.
The holiday has been relaxing so far as i dont think i have gotten up before 8 in the morning.
Then the Harry Potter book came along......... dis is wat happened. On friday, the weather forecast for saturday was rain and wind, so i didn't intend to go out. I went to the library and got some books out. I thot well this would keep me busy.
Then at about 10 am on saturday, the phone rings and its the library telling me to come and collect the potter book.
I had reserved it for 50p since like february or march since it was announced it was the last episode. So rain and wind, i braved it to the library to pick it up. I finished reading it at about 11.30pm.
Well i cheated at first- i turned to the back to see the end, saw everytin was fine and settled to read the book. Thank God i had cooked on Friday, so there was food in the house.
After i finished the book- comments started to come in.
mama 3: ki lo n ka?
me: harry potter.
mama 3: abajo. is that what you went to get from the library? and you were reading it as if you were speed reading.
me: speed reading ke? how?
mama 3: ehn now. when it not as if you are working for MI5 or 6.
A2 cuts in
A2 : dont blame her. In her country, is there any library that will call her to tell her that a book has arrived or they will actually give her the book cuz she was the 1st to reserve it?
me: thank you. lemme alone.
It just occured to me that the rest of the conversation was cut off as i typed it.
This is the first 10 days so far, dont know wat will happen the rest of the hols.
P.S Does any one have tips for surviving food in a white household. I am not looking forward to the food when we visit scotland. i have told my mum i am taking ground pepper with me.
School hols began on the 21st and my son Timi had already prepared a long list of things to do for the hols. We usually go away for a couple of days n this time its scotland, but am not looking forward to the trip. I am not into castles and dungeons but since they will be studying them in his class next year i have no choice but to go.( We have done Romans, Vikings and all d rest).
I really do not understand why they are learning all this.My own summer holidays at his age was filled with playing all kinds of football and cooking rice in derica tins ( sand, stones and pangolo).
I have gone to hit the shops all in the name of summer sale, but tell me how u r supposed to enjoy shopping wen you are in the rain all day?
Next we have had 2 major incidents with water. First Timi flooded the kitchen by blocking up the sink. If looks could kill, then all the looks he got on saturday morning would have buried him. We were supposed to go out and enjoy a little sun but then we had to spend the next 3hrs washing and drying the kitchen out.
Unfortunately for someone, yours truly just sat down and was watching him. I didn't think he believed he was going to wash out the whole kitchen himself ( The look on his face was priceless - i wish i remembered to get the camera). I was throughly enjoying myself by telling him he had missed spots and he had to go back to do them.
Then the incident that made my whole week, my mum fell into the North Sea. I laughed so much i almost cried, but it was my fault well not totally but a bit sha.
We live in a small coastal town, and when the sun finally decided to show face, we had a day out on the beach. Everything had been going fine until i decided to become an amatuer model o. I wanted my mum to take a picture of me catching the wave, i honestly don't know wat happened, the next thing i knew she and the camera were in the sea and a lifeguard had already come to help her out.
She was fully clothed and we didn't have a change of clothes, by the time we got home after walking across the sand- we looked like a ragged bunch.
At least the memory card is ok so we saved the pictures.
The holiday has been relaxing so far as i dont think i have gotten up before 8 in the morning.
Then the Harry Potter book came along......... dis is wat happened. On friday, the weather forecast for saturday was rain and wind, so i didn't intend to go out. I went to the library and got some books out. I thot well this would keep me busy.
Then at about 10 am on saturday, the phone rings and its the library telling me to come and collect the potter book.
I had reserved it for 50p since like february or march since it was announced it was the last episode. So rain and wind, i braved it to the library to pick it up. I finished reading it at about 11.30pm.
Well i cheated at first- i turned to the back to see the end, saw everytin was fine and settled to read the book. Thank God i had cooked on Friday, so there was food in the house.
After i finished the book- comments started to come in.
mama 3: ki lo n ka?
me: harry potter.
mama 3: abajo. is that what you went to get from the library? and you were reading it as if you were speed reading.
me: speed reading ke? how?
mama 3: ehn now. when it not as if you are working for MI5 or 6.
A2 cuts in
A2 : dont blame her. In her country, is there any library that will call her to tell her that a book has arrived or they will actually give her the book cuz she was the 1st to reserve it?
me: thank you. lemme alone.
It just occured to me that the rest of the conversation was cut off as i typed it.
This is the first 10 days so far, dont know wat will happen the rest of the hols.
P.S Does any one have tips for surviving food in a white household. I am not looking forward to the food when we visit scotland. i have told my mum i am taking ground pepper with me.
Thursday 26 July 2007
THE FORMATIVE YEARS
I believe that the years of 11-14 are the most important in a person's life. It is more important than a child's early years because these years are the foundation of the type of adult they may turn out to be.
My own formative years? did i like them? did i hate them? i honestly cant say but what i know is that i learnt a lot of life's lessons.
A2 and i moved back to be with mama3. A1 was in uni by then and so we didnt see much of him. I remember when we got 2 our new school, i hated it so much- it was the local high school. I guess i started hating Mr K (my dad) for dying. I know i really tried the saint out of mama3 then but i didn't realise how difficult it was for her bringing us up on her own then.
I know exactly how it feels now.
So i started school speaking all the ajebo english i had known all my life( we next absolutely next 2 nothin in yoruba). Oh how we were teased for speaking english like opere.(still dont know the meanin till today-so dont ask)
But school was a pleasant suprise cuz beleive it- there were some ajebo kids there whose parents sent them to boardin school. Most of my friends then were the boarders cuz i could relate with them and i used to also do after school lessons with them. I still remember drinking garri with fried fish.
My first experiences with boys my age started around this time. I was just growing buddin breasts. I would have fallen hook, line and sinker for all those toastings and love notes if not for ronke. Ronke was a local girl but she had a good head on her shoulders. She was one of those girls who called a spade a spade and she could tell you to go to hell to ur face. I know i didnt particularly like her but i still remember being toasted by one of the oldest boys in our year at that time and she comes right up to where we were standing and says "don't listen to him o. anything he says he is lying".
Did i listen to her? you bet i did. I found i had just started hating,( not hate- my granma says its too strong a word) disliking males.My landlady had this grandson who was staying with her cuz he was siting or re-siting school cert. i used to like him until the day he started to touch me and touch my breasts. He raped me a few times until i started reading m&b novels to know this stuff was supposed to happen only between adults. But i didnt know how to tell him to stop.
Now i ask myself why i never spoke out? why i never told anyone? would my life have changed its course? Its one of the things in life i'll never know.
I recall when my body started changing, all i noticed was growing breasts, monthly cycles and pimples.What i did not realise was that there were many other changes going on. Oh how i wish i knew then what i know now.
I did not know that hips and a figure were part of the equation.So i began life as an adolescence, wondering why guys would always want to talk with me when i had a whole face of pimples and spots.
I have realised now that this was another reason for my withdrawing into myself and finding it hard to trust. I used to beleive that anyone who came up to me then was wanting to make fun of me. Why would they have wanted to talk with me? I was not pretty and i didnt realise i had anything to offer.
I guess things were okay for some time and then in my 3rd year in school, mama3 had to make an urgent trip to the Uk. It was school hols at that time and so we decided to spend it with our family friends.
Now these family friends of ours are very popular. Infact before you mention 10 of the most popular families in lagos, you would mention their names. Mr K and mama 3 grew up with different siblings of this family so i guess you could say we were as close as cousins.
Their house was one of a typical nigerian family where all sorts of relatives live under one roof. Their house was one of the last places i expected to receive abuse. One day i just noticed that the house girl would always be there when i was undressing. Then she later she came and said there was a game she would like us 2 play, i would enjoy it and she had even taught the daughters of the house. I was like ok and then the next thing i knew was that she had started sucking my breasts and touching me down there. I remember feeling like what is all this again. Surely older women didnt also do this.
This nightmare did not stop there, one night when i was sleeping i felt some one on me, i woke up and it was one of their relatives again. I had had enough. I told him i was going to report him and then he started begging. But i did and till i left their house, i slept in the parents room.
Now i ask myself that if i had the strenght to report then, why didn't i tell about earlier abuse or even the later ones. I have never stepped foot in their house again. This happened over 13yrs ago. Last i heard about the older daughter of the house, she was little better than a call girl. Am not judging her- God only knows what her own demons are.
We get back home to find my mother back from the UK but seriously ill and she has to come back to UK for an operation. With hardly anytime for her to organise for us to go to boarding school or any permanent arrangement to be made, A2 and I were split up to stay with church members until permanent arrangements could be made.
It was at this time i finally lost faith in humans. So many things that had happened then that i had forgotten or blanked out from my mind are now coming back. I didn't realise how hard it would be writting this out. But i know i have to, I want to cuz i want to be free.
I am not big on my faith right now, but i know someone is still out there watching over me. How do i know? this offline message came in as i was typing. The beauty of it is that, it isnt someone who is close to me who sent it but the friend of a friend.
I did not realise i was crying until the tears were fallin on to my shirt.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it." If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems.
So i am sending it on to everyone who reads this posts cuz like it says u never know who it may touch. It certainly has given me hope and the strenght to go.
My own formative years? did i like them? did i hate them? i honestly cant say but what i know is that i learnt a lot of life's lessons.
A2 and i moved back to be with mama3. A1 was in uni by then and so we didnt see much of him. I remember when we got 2 our new school, i hated it so much- it was the local high school. I guess i started hating Mr K (my dad) for dying. I know i really tried the saint out of mama3 then but i didn't realise how difficult it was for her bringing us up on her own then.
I know exactly how it feels now.
So i started school speaking all the ajebo english i had known all my life( we next absolutely next 2 nothin in yoruba). Oh how we were teased for speaking english like opere.(still dont know the meanin till today-so dont ask)
But school was a pleasant suprise cuz beleive it- there were some ajebo kids there whose parents sent them to boardin school. Most of my friends then were the boarders cuz i could relate with them and i used to also do after school lessons with them. I still remember drinking garri with fried fish.
My first experiences with boys my age started around this time. I was just growing buddin breasts. I would have fallen hook, line and sinker for all those toastings and love notes if not for ronke. Ronke was a local girl but she had a good head on her shoulders. She was one of those girls who called a spade a spade and she could tell you to go to hell to ur face. I know i didnt particularly like her but i still remember being toasted by one of the oldest boys in our year at that time and she comes right up to where we were standing and says "don't listen to him o. anything he says he is lying".
Did i listen to her? you bet i did. I found i had just started hating,( not hate- my granma says its too strong a word) disliking males.My landlady had this grandson who was staying with her cuz he was siting or re-siting school cert. i used to like him until the day he started to touch me and touch my breasts. He raped me a few times until i started reading m&b novels to know this stuff was supposed to happen only between adults. But i didnt know how to tell him to stop.
Now i ask myself why i never spoke out? why i never told anyone? would my life have changed its course? Its one of the things in life i'll never know.
I recall when my body started changing, all i noticed was growing breasts, monthly cycles and pimples.What i did not realise was that there were many other changes going on. Oh how i wish i knew then what i know now.
I did not know that hips and a figure were part of the equation.So i began life as an adolescence, wondering why guys would always want to talk with me when i had a whole face of pimples and spots.
I have realised now that this was another reason for my withdrawing into myself and finding it hard to trust. I used to beleive that anyone who came up to me then was wanting to make fun of me. Why would they have wanted to talk with me? I was not pretty and i didnt realise i had anything to offer.
I guess things were okay for some time and then in my 3rd year in school, mama3 had to make an urgent trip to the Uk. It was school hols at that time and so we decided to spend it with our family friends.
Now these family friends of ours are very popular. Infact before you mention 10 of the most popular families in lagos, you would mention their names. Mr K and mama 3 grew up with different siblings of this family so i guess you could say we were as close as cousins.
Their house was one of a typical nigerian family where all sorts of relatives live under one roof. Their house was one of the last places i expected to receive abuse. One day i just noticed that the house girl would always be there when i was undressing. Then she later she came and said there was a game she would like us 2 play, i would enjoy it and she had even taught the daughters of the house. I was like ok and then the next thing i knew was that she had started sucking my breasts and touching me down there. I remember feeling like what is all this again. Surely older women didnt also do this.
This nightmare did not stop there, one night when i was sleeping i felt some one on me, i woke up and it was one of their relatives again. I had had enough. I told him i was going to report him and then he started begging. But i did and till i left their house, i slept in the parents room.
Now i ask myself that if i had the strenght to report then, why didn't i tell about earlier abuse or even the later ones. I have never stepped foot in their house again. This happened over 13yrs ago. Last i heard about the older daughter of the house, she was little better than a call girl. Am not judging her- God only knows what her own demons are.
We get back home to find my mother back from the UK but seriously ill and she has to come back to UK for an operation. With hardly anytime for her to organise for us to go to boarding school or any permanent arrangement to be made, A2 and I were split up to stay with church members until permanent arrangements could be made.
It was at this time i finally lost faith in humans. So many things that had happened then that i had forgotten or blanked out from my mind are now coming back. I didn't realise how hard it would be writting this out. But i know i have to, I want to cuz i want to be free.
I am not big on my faith right now, but i know someone is still out there watching over me. How do i know? this offline message came in as i was typing. The beauty of it is that, it isnt someone who is close to me who sent it but the friend of a friend.
I did not realise i was crying until the tears were fallin on to my shirt.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it." If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems.
So i am sending it on to everyone who reads this posts cuz like it says u never know who it may touch. It certainly has given me hope and the strenght to go.
Thursday 19 July 2007
A LETTER TO MY FRIEND
I was going to post something else today but i felt i just wanted to write this.
I know you can't read this but i hope in all my heart that you will feel me calling to you in your soul. I am feeling your pain even though you wont tell me what the problem is. I have loved you and will always continue to do so.
MY FRIEND
Do you remember how we met beacuse i still do, i was at your neighbours house - she was my dance teacher and your younger sister was in the dance class also. I made friends with your sister and she was suprised that even though you were older than me, i was a year ahead of you in school. And that was how we started.
I remember i asked you to lend me a novel i saw you reading and you were reluctant at first saying you didnt want it to get lost but then i told you my grandmother was a neighbour and then you relented.
We didnt really hit it off until after you finshed secondary schooland we use to sit by that cupboard in your room reading mills & boon. Your parents never knew there was a hoard of novels in that cupboard because you told them the key was lost.
You showed me what stuff you were made off when i had to go away when i was pregnant. You supported me my friend with all those letters( i still have them you know), you heard i came for a brief visit and then you ran to my place. You were never judgemental, i dont even think till today you have asked me what happened. You were a rock.
I came back to town but then you had started having your own problems. you didn't make physics in school cert and you had to retake your papers again and your mum was stressing your life out. I always told you that it was temporary and you would pass. Then Jamb came again and your score was not high enough.
I remember you used me as a guinea pig during your catering course and i will never forget the tummyache your supposed desert gave me.
How i rejoiced with you when you got admission into the uni, but then your face fell cause it wasnt the course you wanted. well then we decided it was better than nothing at all.
I came to visit you while you did all your registration and settled into school. I remember those times in your room when you complained about one thing or the other.
O my friend- yours is the sweetest and widest smile i know.
We have had so many good times. when we giggled and laughed because of prospective boyfriends and then cried and held ourselves because they never worked out.
One fond memory i have is of that dinner you invited me for. you had bought my ticket like a month in advance and swore you would never talk to me again if i didnt turn up.
We were dressed to the nines, Dinner gowns,high heels (u know i don't like them), make up - the belles of the ball. We rocked the party and danced till midnight. Then the moment of truth came- we were tired, you lived off campus, our feet were killing us and then wat did we do ? we took off our shoes and started to walk barefoot to the gate of the Uni.
Four well dressed chics walking down the main road of one of naijas most prestigous universities barefeet at about 12.30 am. It was hilarious and we finally got to your gate of yourhouse but the gatemen refused to let us enter. You flew off the handle, and they then opened the gate for us. I laughed so much i cried. Only God knows what the kind student who gave us a lift must have thought.
My post today is for you cuz i know how down you are at the moment. You feel as if you are being left alone but you are not, we are always here for you. Twenty children cannot play together for twenty years, each person has to go his own way and find their own paths in life.
Yes, almost every one we know together is either getting married, engaged or reaching one milestone or the other. But your time will come, it surely will.
Ore mi - you are the only young person i know who knows the most yoruba proverbs and you dont hesitate to use them- I admit i only know the popular ones.
Every member of my family, even extended ones and my own friends know that if it were possible right now i would come and hold you every night you are crying.
Our pet names are well............ i call u sweetheart and you call me sweetie mi. I call u olorigbeske n u call me oniranu. My granma calls u twiggy cuz u r as slim as a reed. When my baby was still small, he called you a variation of a basket. My mum wonders what is the glue that holds us together. A2 would like to be the guy in your life and A1 wonders how we can be as close as sisters because that is what we are. He shakes his head and wonders- you are the lady( u only had sisters) and am the tomboy(cuz i had d brothers).
I am sad right now and everyone around me knows. My mum is starting to wonder if she was the one who made me sad. I cant talk to anyone cuz i don't know what is happenin to you.
Whatever it is my friend, i am here. I've called you everyday for the past week but u keep telling me you'll call me back. I hate not knowing whats happenin to you and not knowing what to do.
But know this that as long as the sky is blue i'll be here for you.
I know you can't read this but i hope in all my heart that you will feel me calling to you in your soul. I am feeling your pain even though you wont tell me what the problem is. I have loved you and will always continue to do so.
MY FRIEND
Do you remember how we met beacuse i still do, i was at your neighbours house - she was my dance teacher and your younger sister was in the dance class also. I made friends with your sister and she was suprised that even though you were older than me, i was a year ahead of you in school. And that was how we started.
I remember i asked you to lend me a novel i saw you reading and you were reluctant at first saying you didnt want it to get lost but then i told you my grandmother was a neighbour and then you relented.
We didnt really hit it off until after you finshed secondary schooland we use to sit by that cupboard in your room reading mills & boon. Your parents never knew there was a hoard of novels in that cupboard because you told them the key was lost.
You showed me what stuff you were made off when i had to go away when i was pregnant. You supported me my friend with all those letters( i still have them you know), you heard i came for a brief visit and then you ran to my place. You were never judgemental, i dont even think till today you have asked me what happened. You were a rock.
I came back to town but then you had started having your own problems. you didn't make physics in school cert and you had to retake your papers again and your mum was stressing your life out. I always told you that it was temporary and you would pass. Then Jamb came again and your score was not high enough.
I remember you used me as a guinea pig during your catering course and i will never forget the tummyache your supposed desert gave me.
How i rejoiced with you when you got admission into the uni, but then your face fell cause it wasnt the course you wanted. well then we decided it was better than nothing at all.
I came to visit you while you did all your registration and settled into school. I remember those times in your room when you complained about one thing or the other.
O my friend- yours is the sweetest and widest smile i know.
We have had so many good times. when we giggled and laughed because of prospective boyfriends and then cried and held ourselves because they never worked out.
One fond memory i have is of that dinner you invited me for. you had bought my ticket like a month in advance and swore you would never talk to me again if i didnt turn up.
We were dressed to the nines, Dinner gowns,high heels (u know i don't like them), make up - the belles of the ball. We rocked the party and danced till midnight. Then the moment of truth came- we were tired, you lived off campus, our feet were killing us and then wat did we do ? we took off our shoes and started to walk barefoot to the gate of the Uni.
Four well dressed chics walking down the main road of one of naijas most prestigous universities barefeet at about 12.30 am. It was hilarious and we finally got to your gate of yourhouse but the gatemen refused to let us enter. You flew off the handle, and they then opened the gate for us. I laughed so much i cried. Only God knows what the kind student who gave us a lift must have thought.
My post today is for you cuz i know how down you are at the moment. You feel as if you are being left alone but you are not, we are always here for you. Twenty children cannot play together for twenty years, each person has to go his own way and find their own paths in life.
Yes, almost every one we know together is either getting married, engaged or reaching one milestone or the other. But your time will come, it surely will.
Ore mi - you are the only young person i know who knows the most yoruba proverbs and you dont hesitate to use them- I admit i only know the popular ones.
Every member of my family, even extended ones and my own friends know that if it were possible right now i would come and hold you every night you are crying.
Our pet names are well............ i call u sweetheart and you call me sweetie mi. I call u olorigbeske n u call me oniranu. My granma calls u twiggy cuz u r as slim as a reed. When my baby was still small, he called you a variation of a basket. My mum wonders what is the glue that holds us together. A2 would like to be the guy in your life and A1 wonders how we can be as close as sisters because that is what we are. He shakes his head and wonders- you are the lady( u only had sisters) and am the tomboy(cuz i had d brothers).
I am sad right now and everyone around me knows. My mum is starting to wonder if she was the one who made me sad. I cant talk to anyone cuz i don't know what is happenin to you.
Whatever it is my friend, i am here. I've called you everyday for the past week but u keep telling me you'll call me back. I hate not knowing whats happenin to you and not knowing what to do.
But know this that as long as the sky is blue i'll be here for you.
Thursday 12 July 2007
EARLIEST MEMORIES
My earliest memories of my dad and mum( who i shall call mama 3 - she has 3 of us n we all have the same initials) is of fighting n shouting. I must have been about 4/5 and that young age me and A2(my second bro) knew how to play diplomacy then. You knew what to say about one parent when the other was around. Dont get me wrong they were great parents, but they couldnt make it work. So when i was 7, mama3 finally packed her things and left. She took me and A2 with her to a lagos surburb, but me and A2 missed our old man so we went back after 3months n that is when my hell began. I cant remember exactly how it started but i know our houseboy S and neighbour's son Q started raping me. The other part of this horror story was that my neighbour Q's father started doing it and Q knew. My mum was not there and there was no one to turn to. I tried to avoid going to their house but my old man would send me there with the day's paper or somethin else. I think he just wanted us to get closer to them as they looked out for us when we came back from school even though we had houseboy S. This continued right until i was 10 and then the first turning point in my life happened. My Old man died after a heart atack.
Come and see wahala. mama3 just wanted to come and take her kids and go. Old mans pple wanted the property, thankfully i went off to boarding school so i was spared most of the drama.
the begining of the whole wahala n which also separted my parents in the long run was that my mum is of a higher social standing than my dad was. but i guess wen they first met love was all that mattered but we all know the nigerian factor when relatives started to intervene, they felt mama3 looked down on them.
Anyway mama3 had to become mother n father in one go and she had 3 kids to look after. A2 and i were shipped off to boarding school and then horror part 2 started.
We went to different boarding schools, I went to one of the army schools. I have always been stubborn and headstrong and now that i think i think about i think it was a gift God gave me wen he created me cuz beleive it has been stubborn that has kept me going strong wen all seemed bleak and gray.
So as a result i was always getting in trouble for being rude to seniors. I have done all sorts of punishment even copying their notes cuz i had the misfortune to have good handwritting.
Those of u who went to army schools know what am talking about. We had this system in the shools then where u could sign out books you needed and it would be added to your school fees for the follwing term. And horror part 2 began with the corporal in charge of the stock room. for the second time in my life i wondered what is what i had done to be treated like this.
I staunchly refused to go back after form 1 and told mama3 i hated the school. its just now i know it is never the victim's fault. Personally now i think any grown man who is supposed to know better who looks sexually at a child of under 16 should be shot.
Abuse robs a child of trust and it is something i know cuz i still find it hard to trust some people.
Through it all btw ages 7-10 i had come across a whole lot of pple who molested children. They can be anythin from a neighbour to the handy man who comes to do odd jobs in the house to the driver to mama3 last step-brother. yes o. she thinks i dont remember but i know she told him never to come to her place again after i told her he put his hand in my pant.
So pple pls always have regular conversations with your children to know wats happenin to them. I need to go off now, mama3 don dey hala.
Come and see wahala. mama3 just wanted to come and take her kids and go. Old mans pple wanted the property, thankfully i went off to boarding school so i was spared most of the drama.
the begining of the whole wahala n which also separted my parents in the long run was that my mum is of a higher social standing than my dad was. but i guess wen they first met love was all that mattered but we all know the nigerian factor when relatives started to intervene, they felt mama3 looked down on them.
Anyway mama3 had to become mother n father in one go and she had 3 kids to look after. A2 and i were shipped off to boarding school and then horror part 2 started.
We went to different boarding schools, I went to one of the army schools. I have always been stubborn and headstrong and now that i think i think about i think it was a gift God gave me wen he created me cuz beleive it has been stubborn that has kept me going strong wen all seemed bleak and gray.
So as a result i was always getting in trouble for being rude to seniors. I have done all sorts of punishment even copying their notes cuz i had the misfortune to have good handwritting.
Those of u who went to army schools know what am talking about. We had this system in the shools then where u could sign out books you needed and it would be added to your school fees for the follwing term. And horror part 2 began with the corporal in charge of the stock room. for the second time in my life i wondered what is what i had done to be treated like this.
I staunchly refused to go back after form 1 and told mama3 i hated the school. its just now i know it is never the victim's fault. Personally now i think any grown man who is supposed to know better who looks sexually at a child of under 16 should be shot.
Abuse robs a child of trust and it is something i know cuz i still find it hard to trust some people.
Through it all btw ages 7-10 i had come across a whole lot of pple who molested children. They can be anythin from a neighbour to the handy man who comes to do odd jobs in the house to the driver to mama3 last step-brother. yes o. she thinks i dont remember but i know she told him never to come to her place again after i told her he put his hand in my pant.
So pple pls always have regular conversations with your children to know wats happenin to them. I need to go off now, mama3 don dey hala.
A NEW BEGINNING
Today is the day i decide to take my first step forward n deicde join the blog village. I cant even remember how i stumbled accross but it was good to meet fellow naijas out there feeling a bit of the things i felt.
It was coming across confusednaijagirls blog that decided to make me start. Girl i respeect and salute you for being strong. I've read a few things u've writteb n we have had similar experiences.You see i too have suffered abuse n u will be horrifed to know what i've gone thru.
But like one woman here is always saying, you need to face your past and let go so you can embrace the future.
So here i am pouring my soul out in order to start healing.
I am going to write about it all as i remember cuz funnily enuf i remeber almost all the experiences. I know my head is confused n a mixed up but i need to starighten it out cuz i've got one who depends on me now.
I have kept it hidden long away but now i break the silence. I want everyone who reads my blog to know abuse can come from almost any sector thats why am speaking out.
If you know me, you would find it very hard to beleive what i have gone thru, cuz am always the happy,optimistic smiling one but the one dying away inside.
My mum is the only soul i have told, but i think she would die of a broken heart if she knew the extent of it. Through it all i still enjoyed my childhood. I have no regrets. I hope my story can help others to heal and watch out better for their kids.
All of you others that i read out there thanks in your own way for keeping me going when dark days threatened to run over my mind.
It was coming across confusednaijagirls blog that decided to make me start. Girl i respeect and salute you for being strong. I've read a few things u've writteb n we have had similar experiences.You see i too have suffered abuse n u will be horrifed to know what i've gone thru.
But like one woman here is always saying, you need to face your past and let go so you can embrace the future.
So here i am pouring my soul out in order to start healing.
I am going to write about it all as i remember cuz funnily enuf i remeber almost all the experiences. I know my head is confused n a mixed up but i need to starighten it out cuz i've got one who depends on me now.
I have kept it hidden long away but now i break the silence. I want everyone who reads my blog to know abuse can come from almost any sector thats why am speaking out.
If you know me, you would find it very hard to beleive what i have gone thru, cuz am always the happy,optimistic smiling one but the one dying away inside.
My mum is the only soul i have told, but i think she would die of a broken heart if she knew the extent of it. Through it all i still enjoyed my childhood. I have no regrets. I hope my story can help others to heal and watch out better for their kids.
All of you others that i read out there thanks in your own way for keeping me going when dark days threatened to run over my mind.
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