Thanks to everyone who stopped by. I'm doing well now. I feel much better. Every one is back to normal in my family. Life has been good of recent. I cannot lie and its only if i want to be ungrateful that i wont thank God for everything.
Well its been like this- since i made up my mind to relocate back, i have been busy trying to tie up loose ends and start packing. I almost had a heart attack when i looked up ticket prices for when i want to go home, and then adding cargo cost of shipping some stuff home, i was looking at a bill of about £4,000.
Honestly for a whole day i could not think. Due to some other commitments, I have not been able to save for a couple of months now, so am thinking where am i going to come up with all that money and i am determined not to see january 08 in this country.
So first up my bro A1 calls and says whatever the ticket money for Timi and myself, he's going to pay. am starting to smile. Then my cousin says he's not going to nigeria again this year so he'll lend me some money for cargo and mama3 says she'll give me the rest.
Am i smiling or am i smiling? Am practically going home free. Well apart from my cousin's money which i pay back only when i get a job.
Am excited to be going home, but on the other hand a lot of drama, trouble n wahala that seems to be a shadow stuck on most pple you know back home is going to become part of you again.
Let me share with you. A few weeks back my best friend calls me. Her former room mate is pregnant. Roomate has a degree and is waiting for service. She does not know what to do. Father of child useless. What am i supposed to do? As per being friends with her also i have to be supportive.
I ask my friend what does she want me to do? she says i have been in the same position myself before so i should encourage her.
Please can anyone tell me are there any similarities between a 16yr old with only school cert and a 28 yr old who has a degree?
I have called our friend but she has not told me anything and i can't ask her because it would be like BF is talking about her. She has only asked me when i'm coming back and that she has something to come and discuss with me. I don't know what it is or what it can be. Or maybe in a couple of months i tell you i have just adopted a baby (smiling).
Anyway at this stage there is nothing i can do until i get home.
Sunday 28 October 2007
Wednesday 3 October 2007
GOOBYE SEPTEMBER
Ever had one of those times when it feels as if everything happens all at once. Well September has been it for me. I still had all the August drama and tensions and all sorts have happened again .
Spetember is a bittersweet month for me. I cannot curse or hate September because my greatest joys and greatest sorrows have been in the month of September.
My mother was born at the beggining of the month, my father at the end of the month. My nephew and cousin are also born in September. But September also took away my father and has now taken away my nephew. When my cousin reaches every 30th of Spetember, she has made another year, I suppose i should be grateful, cuz we could lose her at any time......
Sometimes i find myself wondering why all this should be happening now. Just when i had decided to get my life together. Sometimes i don't even know what to think. But one thing is for sure, i have made up my mind, am relocating back home. Unfortunately, its taken some very tough times, but what we all need in times of trial is our family's support. I tell you it's not easy coping alone with half of our family on another side of the world.Its not been an easy decision cuz every morning i still wake up and think am i doing the right thing.
I don't even know where to start packing up from. Its amazing the amount of junk we all pick up in a short amount of time, and i've come to find out that we nigerians are the worst pack rats of all. Its definetely not good to come from the type of society we have back home. You are always reluctant to throw something out cuz you think someone, somewhere back home will have better use for it.
Anyway i think i had better start with a list of things we'll need back home and then start moving on from there. then there's a job to start looking for and all the other things to think of.
When i start getting worried now about everything i just tell myself LT take it one day at a time and that what am going to do. I just need to beleive it first.
Spetember is a bittersweet month for me. I cannot curse or hate September because my greatest joys and greatest sorrows have been in the month of September.
My mother was born at the beggining of the month, my father at the end of the month. My nephew and cousin are also born in September. But September also took away my father and has now taken away my nephew. When my cousin reaches every 30th of Spetember, she has made another year, I suppose i should be grateful, cuz we could lose her at any time......
Sometimes i find myself wondering why all this should be happening now. Just when i had decided to get my life together. Sometimes i don't even know what to think. But one thing is for sure, i have made up my mind, am relocating back home. Unfortunately, its taken some very tough times, but what we all need in times of trial is our family's support. I tell you it's not easy coping alone with half of our family on another side of the world.Its not been an easy decision cuz every morning i still wake up and think am i doing the right thing.
I don't even know where to start packing up from. Its amazing the amount of junk we all pick up in a short amount of time, and i've come to find out that we nigerians are the worst pack rats of all. Its definetely not good to come from the type of society we have back home. You are always reluctant to throw something out cuz you think someone, somewhere back home will have better use for it.
Anyway i think i had better start with a list of things we'll need back home and then start moving on from there. then there's a job to start looking for and all the other things to think of.
When i start getting worried now about everything i just tell myself LT take it one day at a time and that what am going to do. I just need to beleive it first.
JUST YESTERDAY
All events occured in 48hrs
Just yesterday, we all woke up across two different continents. We called one another, we spoke, we teased,we laughed, all was well.
Just yesterday, we made plans for the future, most especially concerning you cuz you were precious to us.
Just yesterday, the horizon looked bright, you were set to make your mark in our little world.
Just yesterday all was well.
Just yesterday, i went to the shops, looking for things for you, picking things up and putting them down if i did not like them. Do you want to know what i bought? Maybe i'll tell you when my heart isn't breaking anymore.
Just yesterday, we were undecided on who you would turn out to be like, soft like your brother or strong and formidable like your sister.
Just yesterday, i told Timi he soon get to be with you, just yesterday life was beautiful.
Then the tide turns over,
Just yesterday, i woke up and heard your gran on the phone,speaking in the native tongue "we'll benefit from our children". I ask "who are you speaking to?"She says "aunty T". I wonder why so early? but i keep quiet. And then i notice she looks sad, "what's wrong?" i ask. She says you did not make it.
I stop. "what's going on? i ask,"what happened"? i'm confused.
Then she says you were fine, you took a turn and then you died. "when did all this happen i ask?" A1 called in the night and we decided not to wake you up.
Am in a daze, this cannot be happenin i say? you were just born. The newest addition to our family. No i say this cannot be happening.
I still can't process it,all in the space of 6 hours. Life isn't fair.
I didn't get it until i heard your gran telling your dad that she does not know how it feels cuz she has never lost a child. And then it dawns on me and then i lose it completely.
I lock myself up in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Its true you were gone. You were going to be buried. My brother had lost a child.
Everyone says its for the best but am undecided.
It took me 2 days to pull myself together, by then your parents had started worrying about me. But its not about me, its all about you cuz we are two of a kind.
I still cannot speak to your mother cuz i don't know what to say. It still feels as if a part of me has been ripped out and refuses to mend.
I will celebrate your life for the short time you gave us.
I have learnt a new trick, but its so sad. I have learnt to use my eye drops to mask my tears. Its hard thinking about you and all the what if's.
I don't like, i don't want it, but i accept you had to go.
OLUWALONIMI
Just yesterday, we all woke up across two different continents. We called one another, we spoke, we teased,we laughed, all was well.
Just yesterday, we made plans for the future, most especially concerning you cuz you were precious to us.
Just yesterday, the horizon looked bright, you were set to make your mark in our little world.
Just yesterday all was well.
Just yesterday, i went to the shops, looking for things for you, picking things up and putting them down if i did not like them. Do you want to know what i bought? Maybe i'll tell you when my heart isn't breaking anymore.
Just yesterday, we were undecided on who you would turn out to be like, soft like your brother or strong and formidable like your sister.
Just yesterday, i told Timi he soon get to be with you, just yesterday life was beautiful.
Then the tide turns over,
Just yesterday, i woke up and heard your gran on the phone,speaking in the native tongue "we'll benefit from our children". I ask "who are you speaking to?"She says "aunty T". I wonder why so early? but i keep quiet. And then i notice she looks sad, "what's wrong?" i ask. She says you did not make it.
I stop. "what's going on? i ask,"what happened"? i'm confused.
Then she says you were fine, you took a turn and then you died. "when did all this happen i ask?" A1 called in the night and we decided not to wake you up.
Am in a daze, this cannot be happenin i say? you were just born. The newest addition to our family. No i say this cannot be happening.
I still can't process it,all in the space of 6 hours. Life isn't fair.
I didn't get it until i heard your gran telling your dad that she does not know how it feels cuz she has never lost a child. And then it dawns on me and then i lose it completely.
I lock myself up in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Its true you were gone. You were going to be buried. My brother had lost a child.
Everyone says its for the best but am undecided.
It took me 2 days to pull myself together, by then your parents had started worrying about me. But its not about me, its all about you cuz we are two of a kind.
I still cannot speak to your mother cuz i don't know what to say. It still feels as if a part of me has been ripped out and refuses to mend.
I will celebrate your life for the short time you gave us.
I have learnt a new trick, but its so sad. I have learnt to use my eye drops to mask my tears. Its hard thinking about you and all the what if's.
I don't like, i don't want it, but i accept you had to go.
OLUWALONIMI
Saturday 15 September 2007
UPDATING
I haven't been able to post anything for the past couple of days and its thanks to my computer. It just freezes after i've put it on for like 10mins. The computer guru in my house says its the anti virus on it, am still waiting for him to fix it and i know it will be like next year or so.
Ok o, i did not get the job, but i wasn't too disappointed In actual fact with everything that has happened lately, i think its a good thing i did not get the job.
My mum is feeling a bit better now, she's back home now. I can't beleive how stressed i was then. I was always so lost in thought then, i missed the stop of the hospital twice and i had to walk back. But the doctors found out she has a problem with her neck now and it can go worse at anytime,( she went in for an operation on her back) am still a bit worried but am not as bad as i was before.
I couldn't sleep and i was always worrying about all the what ifs. If i had got the job, i would be in nigeria by now still with a thousand and one things still unsettled.
Anyway they say all is well that ends well. I am keeping my fingers crossed and i know she will be fine.
I finally found out my friend was in debt and she was too ashamed to tell me. It took another friend to give me the whole gist. To say i was annoyed was an understatement. Then i also found out she had annoyed a friend here who reported her to me. Thankfully i have sorted that out.
And finally i started sorting my self out. It started with a conversation about business. I want to go back home and i had not decided whether i wanted to get a job or go into business. So i bring up this business idea and decide to discuss it. After my mum had finished telling me the pitfalls, i went into anger mode at nobody wanting to support me. To cut a long story short, she lambasted me, not in an angry way but in a look at your track record, its not that impressive.
Then i went through all the phases of denial, silence, anger and finally acceptance. We talked through so many things that had happened over the years and finally things i had buried that i had almost wiped out of my memory.
It was a couple of dark days, i was always crying at the slightest thing, couldn't eat. I think the worst thing was that i did not have anyone to talk to. At that time family were the last people i wanted to share my feelings with.
Then my ray of light came at worship on sunday and we had the talk about God forgiving us even before we were born. It was so uplifting. There and then i made up my mind not to look back at the past anymore and concentrate on the future. Most of all it the sermon talked about letting go and that is one weakness i have or had. Its not as if i dont forgive or forget things, its just that i didn't know how to let things go.
I've seen that its not recent things that happened or trival things, rather like my mother said sometimes i go into victim mode. Sometimes its easy and i forget i ever had a traumatic past and sometimes even the littlest of things trigger it. But now that i've decided i want to get on with my life without any shadows hanging over, i told my mum that out of all those "people" in my past, there are 2 of them that i still hate and when i get back to nigeria i am going to go and look for them and confront them.
I know it will not be easy but i want closure on my past.
Ok o, i did not get the job, but i wasn't too disappointed In actual fact with everything that has happened lately, i think its a good thing i did not get the job.
My mum is feeling a bit better now, she's back home now. I can't beleive how stressed i was then. I was always so lost in thought then, i missed the stop of the hospital twice and i had to walk back. But the doctors found out she has a problem with her neck now and it can go worse at anytime,( she went in for an operation on her back) am still a bit worried but am not as bad as i was before.
I couldn't sleep and i was always worrying about all the what ifs. If i had got the job, i would be in nigeria by now still with a thousand and one things still unsettled.
Anyway they say all is well that ends well. I am keeping my fingers crossed and i know she will be fine.
I finally found out my friend was in debt and she was too ashamed to tell me. It took another friend to give me the whole gist. To say i was annoyed was an understatement. Then i also found out she had annoyed a friend here who reported her to me. Thankfully i have sorted that out.
And finally i started sorting my self out. It started with a conversation about business. I want to go back home and i had not decided whether i wanted to get a job or go into business. So i bring up this business idea and decide to discuss it. After my mum had finished telling me the pitfalls, i went into anger mode at nobody wanting to support me. To cut a long story short, she lambasted me, not in an angry way but in a look at your track record, its not that impressive.
Then i went through all the phases of denial, silence, anger and finally acceptance. We talked through so many things that had happened over the years and finally things i had buried that i had almost wiped out of my memory.
It was a couple of dark days, i was always crying at the slightest thing, couldn't eat. I think the worst thing was that i did not have anyone to talk to. At that time family were the last people i wanted to share my feelings with.
Then my ray of light came at worship on sunday and we had the talk about God forgiving us even before we were born. It was so uplifting. There and then i made up my mind not to look back at the past anymore and concentrate on the future. Most of all it the sermon talked about letting go and that is one weakness i have or had. Its not as if i dont forgive or forget things, its just that i didn't know how to let things go.
I've seen that its not recent things that happened or trival things, rather like my mother said sometimes i go into victim mode. Sometimes its easy and i forget i ever had a traumatic past and sometimes even the littlest of things trigger it. But now that i've decided i want to get on with my life without any shadows hanging over, i told my mum that out of all those "people" in my past, there are 2 of them that i still hate and when i get back to nigeria i am going to go and look for them and confront them.
I know it will not be easy but i want closure on my past.
Monday 3 September 2007
I BELIEVE
I believe
things happen for a reason.
I believe
that when someone or something comes into your life, its for a reason.
I believe
life has a reason.
I believe in my tomorrow.
I believe
my experiences were for a reason.
I beleive
my being here is for a reason.
I believe
I have found that reason.
things happen for a reason.
I believe
that when someone or something comes into your life, its for a reason.
I believe
life has a reason.
I believe in my tomorrow.
I believe
my experiences were for a reason.
I beleive
my being here is for a reason.
I believe
I have found that reason.
Thursday 23 August 2007
FAITH
I don't know where to start but it seems am getting my faith back. I don't know or recollect when it went, all i know is that i had lost it somehow. It didn't go away without leaving consequences.
I stopped going to worship. It wasn't as if i wanted a change in religon or church or anything like that - i just got fed up with everything. It was all about me,but selfishly i did not realise how it was affecting others around me.
It was not until my bro came up to me and asked why i was at home on sunday mornings, then my mother said my son was asking why i wasn't coming anymore or why i wasnt joining in any devotion before i realised that my actions were leaving an impression on my son.
Did i want him to have that type of image about me? No way. I remember i used to tell people that my mother's prayers were working overtime on me, that if it were left entirely to me, i don't even want to imagine what would have happened to me.
It made me start thinking i want to be someone who could be counted upon Spiritually, like the time my other bro A1 called my mum in the middle of the night and asked her to pray for a family friend. He had that much convinction in her. I felt thoroughly ashamed of myself and decided to make a change.
Resolution: I started going back to worship, felt my heart almost burst with pride when Timi gave his first public reading in worship but it wasn't until i went away and suddenly just realised that something had changed and i had started getting perspective back.
Been punching away at the computer even though have a lot of work staring me in the face but i just feel the need to write. I guess am a bit scared, my mum is in hospital for an operation and am trying not think about it. It was one of the reasons we all went away on holiday together.
I also have a job interview coming up next week and to be thruthful, i am scared. If its succesful then it will mean a change from all i've ever known.
Oh, i've just looked at the time i have less than an hour to be at the hospital. guess i have to continue this later,.
It feels good to be back. At least my blog is familiar.
I stopped going to worship. It wasn't as if i wanted a change in religon or church or anything like that - i just got fed up with everything. It was all about me,but selfishly i did not realise how it was affecting others around me.
It was not until my bro came up to me and asked why i was at home on sunday mornings, then my mother said my son was asking why i wasn't coming anymore or why i wasnt joining in any devotion before i realised that my actions were leaving an impression on my son.
Did i want him to have that type of image about me? No way. I remember i used to tell people that my mother's prayers were working overtime on me, that if it were left entirely to me, i don't even want to imagine what would have happened to me.
It made me start thinking i want to be someone who could be counted upon Spiritually, like the time my other bro A1 called my mum in the middle of the night and asked her to pray for a family friend. He had that much convinction in her. I felt thoroughly ashamed of myself and decided to make a change.
Resolution: I started going back to worship, felt my heart almost burst with pride when Timi gave his first public reading in worship but it wasn't until i went away and suddenly just realised that something had changed and i had started getting perspective back.
Been punching away at the computer even though have a lot of work staring me in the face but i just feel the need to write. I guess am a bit scared, my mum is in hospital for an operation and am trying not think about it. It was one of the reasons we all went away on holiday together.
I also have a job interview coming up next week and to be thruthful, i am scared. If its succesful then it will mean a change from all i've ever known.
Oh, i've just looked at the time i have less than an hour to be at the hospital. guess i have to continue this later,.
It feels good to be back. At least my blog is familiar.
AFTER THE HOLIDAYS
Can't believe its been about 3 weeks since i went near a computer. Holidays - now i know why its called holidays. It was really nice, totally relaxing and comfortable. Waking up and just lying in bed knowing you don't have to make breakfast was blissful.
The family we stayed with were totally refreshing, actually felt a bit like naija. You know when all relatives are around and you generally just have a good time. To be honest didn't think i would really enjoy myself as am not into castles and all the scenery but i really enjoyed myself, though the day b4 we got back, mama3 and i had some words. Sometimes its not good to go on holiday with your family.
I survived the food with some technics(sneaked salt from the kitchen and literally covered everything in black pepper). I didn't want to risk any of the hosts sneezing so i decided not to use our red pepper. And anyway i had to set a good example for Timi, to be gracious and eat anything you are given in anyones house. Its only polite.
Why do they say you always need a holiday after coming back from one. The house was clean at least(A2 didn't want to risk 2 females on his head) but it felt cluttered after all that relaxing feling. Still havent got round to doing the laundry.
Well i hope the weather continues dry and i can have a bit more rest b4 September comes.
The family we stayed with were totally refreshing, actually felt a bit like naija. You know when all relatives are around and you generally just have a good time. To be honest didn't think i would really enjoy myself as am not into castles and all the scenery but i really enjoyed myself, though the day b4 we got back, mama3 and i had some words. Sometimes its not good to go on holiday with your family.
I survived the food with some technics(sneaked salt from the kitchen and literally covered everything in black pepper). I didn't want to risk any of the hosts sneezing so i decided not to use our red pepper. And anyway i had to set a good example for Timi, to be gracious and eat anything you are given in anyones house. Its only polite.
Why do they say you always need a holiday after coming back from one. The house was clean at least(A2 didn't want to risk 2 females on his head) but it felt cluttered after all that relaxing feling. Still havent got round to doing the laundry.
Well i hope the weather continues dry and i can have a bit more rest b4 September comes.
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