I believe that the years of 11-14 are the most important in a person's life. It is more important than a child's early years because these years are the foundation of the type of adult they may turn out to be.
My own formative years? did i like them? did i hate them? i honestly cant say but what i know is that i learnt a lot of life's lessons.
A2 and i moved back to be with mama3. A1 was in uni by then and so we didnt see much of him. I remember when we got 2 our new school, i hated it so much- it was the local high school. I guess i started hating Mr K (my dad) for dying. I know i really tried the saint out of mama3 then but i didn't realise how difficult it was for her bringing us up on her own then.
I know exactly how it feels now.
So i started school speaking all the ajebo english i had known all my life( we next absolutely next 2 nothin in yoruba). Oh how we were teased for speaking english like opere.(still dont know the meanin till today-so dont ask)
But school was a pleasant suprise cuz beleive it- there were some ajebo kids there whose parents sent them to boardin school. Most of my friends then were the boarders cuz i could relate with them and i used to also do after school lessons with them. I still remember drinking garri with fried fish.
My first experiences with boys my age started around this time. I was just growing buddin breasts. I would have fallen hook, line and sinker for all those toastings and love notes if not for ronke. Ronke was a local girl but she had a good head on her shoulders. She was one of those girls who called a spade a spade and she could tell you to go to hell to ur face. I know i didnt particularly like her but i still remember being toasted by one of the oldest boys in our year at that time and she comes right up to where we were standing and says "don't listen to him o. anything he says he is lying".
Did i listen to her? you bet i did. I found i had just started hating,( not hate- my granma says its too strong a word) disliking males.My landlady had this grandson who was staying with her cuz he was siting or re-siting school cert. i used to like him until the day he started to touch me and touch my breasts. He raped me a few times until i started reading m&b novels to know this stuff was supposed to happen only between adults. But i didnt know how to tell him to stop.
Now i ask myself why i never spoke out? why i never told anyone? would my life have changed its course? Its one of the things in life i'll never know.
I recall when my body started changing, all i noticed was growing breasts, monthly cycles and pimples.What i did not realise was that there were many other changes going on. Oh how i wish i knew then what i know now.
I did not know that hips and a figure were part of the equation.So i began life as an adolescence, wondering why guys would always want to talk with me when i had a whole face of pimples and spots.
I have realised now that this was another reason for my withdrawing into myself and finding it hard to trust. I used to beleive that anyone who came up to me then was wanting to make fun of me. Why would they have wanted to talk with me? I was not pretty and i didnt realise i had anything to offer.
I guess things were okay for some time and then in my 3rd year in school, mama3 had to make an urgent trip to the Uk. It was school hols at that time and so we decided to spend it with our family friends.
Now these family friends of ours are very popular. Infact before you mention 10 of the most popular families in lagos, you would mention their names. Mr K and mama 3 grew up with different siblings of this family so i guess you could say we were as close as cousins.
Their house was one of a typical nigerian family where all sorts of relatives live under one roof. Their house was one of the last places i expected to receive abuse. One day i just noticed that the house girl would always be there when i was undressing. Then she later she came and said there was a game she would like us 2 play, i would enjoy it and she had even taught the daughters of the house. I was like ok and then the next thing i knew was that she had started sucking my breasts and touching me down there. I remember feeling like what is all this again. Surely older women didnt also do this.
This nightmare did not stop there, one night when i was sleeping i felt some one on me, i woke up and it was one of their relatives again. I had had enough. I told him i was going to report him and then he started begging. But i did and till i left their house, i slept in the parents room.
Now i ask myself that if i had the strenght to report then, why didn't i tell about earlier abuse or even the later ones. I have never stepped foot in their house again. This happened over 13yrs ago. Last i heard about the older daughter of the house, she was little better than a call girl. Am not judging her- God only knows what her own demons are.
We get back home to find my mother back from the UK but seriously ill and she has to come back to UK for an operation. With hardly anytime for her to organise for us to go to boarding school or any permanent arrangement to be made, A2 and I were split up to stay with church members until permanent arrangements could be made.
It was at this time i finally lost faith in humans. So many things that had happened then that i had forgotten or blanked out from my mind are now coming back. I didn't realise how hard it would be writting this out. But i know i have to, I want to cuz i want to be free.
I am not big on my faith right now, but i know someone is still out there watching over me. How do i know? this offline message came in as i was typing. The beauty of it is that, it isnt someone who is close to me who sent it but the friend of a friend.
I did not realise i was crying until the tears were fallin on to my shirt.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it." If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems.
So i am sending it on to everyone who reads this posts cuz like it says u never know who it may touch. It certainly has given me hope and the strenght to go.
Thursday 26 July 2007
Thursday 19 July 2007
A LETTER TO MY FRIEND
I was going to post something else today but i felt i just wanted to write this.
I know you can't read this but i hope in all my heart that you will feel me calling to you in your soul. I am feeling your pain even though you wont tell me what the problem is. I have loved you and will always continue to do so.
MY FRIEND
Do you remember how we met beacuse i still do, i was at your neighbours house - she was my dance teacher and your younger sister was in the dance class also. I made friends with your sister and she was suprised that even though you were older than me, i was a year ahead of you in school. And that was how we started.
I remember i asked you to lend me a novel i saw you reading and you were reluctant at first saying you didnt want it to get lost but then i told you my grandmother was a neighbour and then you relented.
We didnt really hit it off until after you finshed secondary schooland we use to sit by that cupboard in your room reading mills & boon. Your parents never knew there was a hoard of novels in that cupboard because you told them the key was lost.
You showed me what stuff you were made off when i had to go away when i was pregnant. You supported me my friend with all those letters( i still have them you know), you heard i came for a brief visit and then you ran to my place. You were never judgemental, i dont even think till today you have asked me what happened. You were a rock.
I came back to town but then you had started having your own problems. you didn't make physics in school cert and you had to retake your papers again and your mum was stressing your life out. I always told you that it was temporary and you would pass. Then Jamb came again and your score was not high enough.
I remember you used me as a guinea pig during your catering course and i will never forget the tummyache your supposed desert gave me.
How i rejoiced with you when you got admission into the uni, but then your face fell cause it wasnt the course you wanted. well then we decided it was better than nothing at all.
I came to visit you while you did all your registration and settled into school. I remember those times in your room when you complained about one thing or the other.
O my friend- yours is the sweetest and widest smile i know.
We have had so many good times. when we giggled and laughed because of prospective boyfriends and then cried and held ourselves because they never worked out.
One fond memory i have is of that dinner you invited me for. you had bought my ticket like a month in advance and swore you would never talk to me again if i didnt turn up.
We were dressed to the nines, Dinner gowns,high heels (u know i don't like them), make up - the belles of the ball. We rocked the party and danced till midnight. Then the moment of truth came- we were tired, you lived off campus, our feet were killing us and then wat did we do ? we took off our shoes and started to walk barefoot to the gate of the Uni.
Four well dressed chics walking down the main road of one of naijas most prestigous universities barefeet at about 12.30 am. It was hilarious and we finally got to your gate of yourhouse but the gatemen refused to let us enter. You flew off the handle, and they then opened the gate for us. I laughed so much i cried. Only God knows what the kind student who gave us a lift must have thought.
My post today is for you cuz i know how down you are at the moment. You feel as if you are being left alone but you are not, we are always here for you. Twenty children cannot play together for twenty years, each person has to go his own way and find their own paths in life.
Yes, almost every one we know together is either getting married, engaged or reaching one milestone or the other. But your time will come, it surely will.
Ore mi - you are the only young person i know who knows the most yoruba proverbs and you dont hesitate to use them- I admit i only know the popular ones.
Every member of my family, even extended ones and my own friends know that if it were possible right now i would come and hold you every night you are crying.
Our pet names are well............ i call u sweetheart and you call me sweetie mi. I call u olorigbeske n u call me oniranu. My granma calls u twiggy cuz u r as slim as a reed. When my baby was still small, he called you a variation of a basket. My mum wonders what is the glue that holds us together. A2 would like to be the guy in your life and A1 wonders how we can be as close as sisters because that is what we are. He shakes his head and wonders- you are the lady( u only had sisters) and am the tomboy(cuz i had d brothers).
I am sad right now and everyone around me knows. My mum is starting to wonder if she was the one who made me sad. I cant talk to anyone cuz i don't know what is happenin to you.
Whatever it is my friend, i am here. I've called you everyday for the past week but u keep telling me you'll call me back. I hate not knowing whats happenin to you and not knowing what to do.
But know this that as long as the sky is blue i'll be here for you.
I know you can't read this but i hope in all my heart that you will feel me calling to you in your soul. I am feeling your pain even though you wont tell me what the problem is. I have loved you and will always continue to do so.
MY FRIEND
Do you remember how we met beacuse i still do, i was at your neighbours house - she was my dance teacher and your younger sister was in the dance class also. I made friends with your sister and she was suprised that even though you were older than me, i was a year ahead of you in school. And that was how we started.
I remember i asked you to lend me a novel i saw you reading and you were reluctant at first saying you didnt want it to get lost but then i told you my grandmother was a neighbour and then you relented.
We didnt really hit it off until after you finshed secondary schooland we use to sit by that cupboard in your room reading mills & boon. Your parents never knew there was a hoard of novels in that cupboard because you told them the key was lost.
You showed me what stuff you were made off when i had to go away when i was pregnant. You supported me my friend with all those letters( i still have them you know), you heard i came for a brief visit and then you ran to my place. You were never judgemental, i dont even think till today you have asked me what happened. You were a rock.
I came back to town but then you had started having your own problems. you didn't make physics in school cert and you had to retake your papers again and your mum was stressing your life out. I always told you that it was temporary and you would pass. Then Jamb came again and your score was not high enough.
I remember you used me as a guinea pig during your catering course and i will never forget the tummyache your supposed desert gave me.
How i rejoiced with you when you got admission into the uni, but then your face fell cause it wasnt the course you wanted. well then we decided it was better than nothing at all.
I came to visit you while you did all your registration and settled into school. I remember those times in your room when you complained about one thing or the other.
O my friend- yours is the sweetest and widest smile i know.
We have had so many good times. when we giggled and laughed because of prospective boyfriends and then cried and held ourselves because they never worked out.
One fond memory i have is of that dinner you invited me for. you had bought my ticket like a month in advance and swore you would never talk to me again if i didnt turn up.
We were dressed to the nines, Dinner gowns,high heels (u know i don't like them), make up - the belles of the ball. We rocked the party and danced till midnight. Then the moment of truth came- we were tired, you lived off campus, our feet were killing us and then wat did we do ? we took off our shoes and started to walk barefoot to the gate of the Uni.
Four well dressed chics walking down the main road of one of naijas most prestigous universities barefeet at about 12.30 am. It was hilarious and we finally got to your gate of yourhouse but the gatemen refused to let us enter. You flew off the handle, and they then opened the gate for us. I laughed so much i cried. Only God knows what the kind student who gave us a lift must have thought.
My post today is for you cuz i know how down you are at the moment. You feel as if you are being left alone but you are not, we are always here for you. Twenty children cannot play together for twenty years, each person has to go his own way and find their own paths in life.
Yes, almost every one we know together is either getting married, engaged or reaching one milestone or the other. But your time will come, it surely will.
Ore mi - you are the only young person i know who knows the most yoruba proverbs and you dont hesitate to use them- I admit i only know the popular ones.
Every member of my family, even extended ones and my own friends know that if it were possible right now i would come and hold you every night you are crying.
Our pet names are well............ i call u sweetheart and you call me sweetie mi. I call u olorigbeske n u call me oniranu. My granma calls u twiggy cuz u r as slim as a reed. When my baby was still small, he called you a variation of a basket. My mum wonders what is the glue that holds us together. A2 would like to be the guy in your life and A1 wonders how we can be as close as sisters because that is what we are. He shakes his head and wonders- you are the lady( u only had sisters) and am the tomboy(cuz i had d brothers).
I am sad right now and everyone around me knows. My mum is starting to wonder if she was the one who made me sad. I cant talk to anyone cuz i don't know what is happenin to you.
Whatever it is my friend, i am here. I've called you everyday for the past week but u keep telling me you'll call me back. I hate not knowing whats happenin to you and not knowing what to do.
But know this that as long as the sky is blue i'll be here for you.
Thursday 12 July 2007
EARLIEST MEMORIES
My earliest memories of my dad and mum( who i shall call mama 3 - she has 3 of us n we all have the same initials) is of fighting n shouting. I must have been about 4/5 and that young age me and A2(my second bro) knew how to play diplomacy then. You knew what to say about one parent when the other was around. Dont get me wrong they were great parents, but they couldnt make it work. So when i was 7, mama3 finally packed her things and left. She took me and A2 with her to a lagos surburb, but me and A2 missed our old man so we went back after 3months n that is when my hell began. I cant remember exactly how it started but i know our houseboy S and neighbour's son Q started raping me. The other part of this horror story was that my neighbour Q's father started doing it and Q knew. My mum was not there and there was no one to turn to. I tried to avoid going to their house but my old man would send me there with the day's paper or somethin else. I think he just wanted us to get closer to them as they looked out for us when we came back from school even though we had houseboy S. This continued right until i was 10 and then the first turning point in my life happened. My Old man died after a heart atack.
Come and see wahala. mama3 just wanted to come and take her kids and go. Old mans pple wanted the property, thankfully i went off to boarding school so i was spared most of the drama.
the begining of the whole wahala n which also separted my parents in the long run was that my mum is of a higher social standing than my dad was. but i guess wen they first met love was all that mattered but we all know the nigerian factor when relatives started to intervene, they felt mama3 looked down on them.
Anyway mama3 had to become mother n father in one go and she had 3 kids to look after. A2 and i were shipped off to boarding school and then horror part 2 started.
We went to different boarding schools, I went to one of the army schools. I have always been stubborn and headstrong and now that i think i think about i think it was a gift God gave me wen he created me cuz beleive it has been stubborn that has kept me going strong wen all seemed bleak and gray.
So as a result i was always getting in trouble for being rude to seniors. I have done all sorts of punishment even copying their notes cuz i had the misfortune to have good handwritting.
Those of u who went to army schools know what am talking about. We had this system in the shools then where u could sign out books you needed and it would be added to your school fees for the follwing term. And horror part 2 began with the corporal in charge of the stock room. for the second time in my life i wondered what is what i had done to be treated like this.
I staunchly refused to go back after form 1 and told mama3 i hated the school. its just now i know it is never the victim's fault. Personally now i think any grown man who is supposed to know better who looks sexually at a child of under 16 should be shot.
Abuse robs a child of trust and it is something i know cuz i still find it hard to trust some people.
Through it all btw ages 7-10 i had come across a whole lot of pple who molested children. They can be anythin from a neighbour to the handy man who comes to do odd jobs in the house to the driver to mama3 last step-brother. yes o. she thinks i dont remember but i know she told him never to come to her place again after i told her he put his hand in my pant.
So pple pls always have regular conversations with your children to know wats happenin to them. I need to go off now, mama3 don dey hala.
Come and see wahala. mama3 just wanted to come and take her kids and go. Old mans pple wanted the property, thankfully i went off to boarding school so i was spared most of the drama.
the begining of the whole wahala n which also separted my parents in the long run was that my mum is of a higher social standing than my dad was. but i guess wen they first met love was all that mattered but we all know the nigerian factor when relatives started to intervene, they felt mama3 looked down on them.
Anyway mama3 had to become mother n father in one go and she had 3 kids to look after. A2 and i were shipped off to boarding school and then horror part 2 started.
We went to different boarding schools, I went to one of the army schools. I have always been stubborn and headstrong and now that i think i think about i think it was a gift God gave me wen he created me cuz beleive it has been stubborn that has kept me going strong wen all seemed bleak and gray.
So as a result i was always getting in trouble for being rude to seniors. I have done all sorts of punishment even copying their notes cuz i had the misfortune to have good handwritting.
Those of u who went to army schools know what am talking about. We had this system in the shools then where u could sign out books you needed and it would be added to your school fees for the follwing term. And horror part 2 began with the corporal in charge of the stock room. for the second time in my life i wondered what is what i had done to be treated like this.
I staunchly refused to go back after form 1 and told mama3 i hated the school. its just now i know it is never the victim's fault. Personally now i think any grown man who is supposed to know better who looks sexually at a child of under 16 should be shot.
Abuse robs a child of trust and it is something i know cuz i still find it hard to trust some people.
Through it all btw ages 7-10 i had come across a whole lot of pple who molested children. They can be anythin from a neighbour to the handy man who comes to do odd jobs in the house to the driver to mama3 last step-brother. yes o. she thinks i dont remember but i know she told him never to come to her place again after i told her he put his hand in my pant.
So pple pls always have regular conversations with your children to know wats happenin to them. I need to go off now, mama3 don dey hala.
A NEW BEGINNING
Today is the day i decide to take my first step forward n deicde join the blog village. I cant even remember how i stumbled accross but it was good to meet fellow naijas out there feeling a bit of the things i felt.
It was coming across confusednaijagirls blog that decided to make me start. Girl i respeect and salute you for being strong. I've read a few things u've writteb n we have had similar experiences.You see i too have suffered abuse n u will be horrifed to know what i've gone thru.
But like one woman here is always saying, you need to face your past and let go so you can embrace the future.
So here i am pouring my soul out in order to start healing.
I am going to write about it all as i remember cuz funnily enuf i remeber almost all the experiences. I know my head is confused n a mixed up but i need to starighten it out cuz i've got one who depends on me now.
I have kept it hidden long away but now i break the silence. I want everyone who reads my blog to know abuse can come from almost any sector thats why am speaking out.
If you know me, you would find it very hard to beleive what i have gone thru, cuz am always the happy,optimistic smiling one but the one dying away inside.
My mum is the only soul i have told, but i think she would die of a broken heart if she knew the extent of it. Through it all i still enjoyed my childhood. I have no regrets. I hope my story can help others to heal and watch out better for their kids.
All of you others that i read out there thanks in your own way for keeping me going when dark days threatened to run over my mind.
It was coming across confusednaijagirls blog that decided to make me start. Girl i respeect and salute you for being strong. I've read a few things u've writteb n we have had similar experiences.You see i too have suffered abuse n u will be horrifed to know what i've gone thru.
But like one woman here is always saying, you need to face your past and let go so you can embrace the future.
So here i am pouring my soul out in order to start healing.
I am going to write about it all as i remember cuz funnily enuf i remeber almost all the experiences. I know my head is confused n a mixed up but i need to starighten it out cuz i've got one who depends on me now.
I have kept it hidden long away but now i break the silence. I want everyone who reads my blog to know abuse can come from almost any sector thats why am speaking out.
If you know me, you would find it very hard to beleive what i have gone thru, cuz am always the happy,optimistic smiling one but the one dying away inside.
My mum is the only soul i have told, but i think she would die of a broken heart if she knew the extent of it. Through it all i still enjoyed my childhood. I have no regrets. I hope my story can help others to heal and watch out better for their kids.
All of you others that i read out there thanks in your own way for keeping me going when dark days threatened to run over my mind.
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