SMILIN

Thanks to everyone who stopped by. I'm doing well now. I feel much better. Every one is back to normal in my family. Life has been good of recent. I cannot lie and its only if i want to be ungrateful that i wont thank God for everything.

Well its been like this- since i made up my mind to relocate back, i have been busy trying to tie up loose ends and start packing. I almost had a heart attack when i looked up ticket prices for when i want to go home, and then adding cargo cost of shipping some stuff home, i was looking at a bill of about £4,000.

Honestly for a whole day i could not think. Due to some other commitments, I have not been able to save for a couple of months now, so am thinking where am i going to come up with all that money and i am determined not to see january 08 in this country.

So first up my bro A1 calls and says whatever the ticket money for Timi and myself, he's going to pay. am starting to smile. Then my cousin says he's not going to nigeria again this year so he'll lend me some money for cargo and mama3 says she'll give me the rest.

Am i smiling or am i smiling? Am practically going home free. Well apart from my cousin's money which i pay back only when i get a job.

Am excited to be going home, but on the other hand a lot of drama, trouble n wahala that seems to be a shadow stuck on most pple you know back home is going to become part of you again.

Let me share with you. A few weeks back my best friend calls me. Her former room mate is pregnant. Roomate has a degree and is waiting for service. She does not know what to do. Father of child useless. What am i supposed to do? As per being friends with her also i have to be supportive.

I ask my friend what does she want me to do? she says i have been in the same position myself before so i should encourage her.

Please can anyone tell me are there any similarities between a 16yr old with only school cert and a 28 yr old who has a degree?

I have called our friend but she has not told me anything and i can't ask her because it would be like BF is talking about her. She has only asked me when i'm coming back and that she has something to come and discuss with me. I don't know what it is or what it can be. Or maybe in a couple of months i tell you i have just adopted a baby (smiling).

Anyway at this stage there is nothing i can do until i get home.

GOOBYE SEPTEMBER

Ever had one of those times when it feels as if everything happens all at once. Well September has been it for me. I still had all the August drama and tensions and all sorts have happened again .

Spetember is a bittersweet month for me. I cannot curse or hate September because my greatest joys and greatest sorrows have been in the month of September.

My mother was born at the beggining of the month, my father at the end of the month. My nephew and cousin are also born in September. But September also took away my father and has now taken away my nephew. When my cousin reaches every 30th of Spetember, she has made another year, I suppose i should be grateful, cuz we could lose her at any time......

Sometimes i find myself wondering why all this should be happening now. Just when i had decided to get my life together. Sometimes i don't even know what to think. But one thing is for sure, i have made up my mind, am relocating back home. Unfortunately, its taken some very tough times, but what we all need in times of trial is our family's support. I tell you it's not easy coping alone with half of our family on another side of the world.Its not been an easy decision cuz every morning i still wake up and think am i doing the right thing.

I don't even know where to start packing up from. Its amazing the amount of junk we all pick up in a short amount of time, and i've come to find out that we nigerians are the worst pack rats of all. Its definetely not good to come from the type of society we have back home. You are always reluctant to throw something out cuz you think someone, somewhere back home will have better use for it.

Anyway i think i had better start with a list of things we'll need back home and then start moving on from there. then there's a job to start looking for and all the other things to think of.

When i start getting worried now about everything i just tell myself LT take it one day at a time and that what am going to do. I just need to beleive it first.

JUST YESTERDAY

All events occured in 48hrs

Just yesterday, we all woke up across two different continents. We called one another, we spoke, we teased,we laughed, all was well.

Just yesterday, we made plans for the future, most especially concerning you cuz you were precious to us.

Just yesterday, the horizon looked bright, you were set to make your mark in our little world.
Just yesterday all was well.

Just yesterday, i went to the shops, looking for things for you, picking things up and putting them down if i did not like them. Do you want to know what i bought? Maybe i'll tell you when my heart isn't breaking anymore.

Just yesterday, we were undecided on who you would turn out to be like, soft like your brother or strong and formidable like your sister.

Just yesterday, i told Timi he soon get to be with you, just yesterday life was beautiful.

Then the tide turns over,

Just yesterday, i woke up and heard your gran on the phone,speaking in the native tongue "we'll benefit from our children". I ask "who are you speaking to?"She says "aunty T". I wonder why so early? but i keep quiet. And then i notice she looks sad, "what's wrong?" i ask. She says you did not make it.

I stop. "what's going on? i ask,"what happened"? i'm confused.

Then she says you were fine, you took a turn and then you died. "when did all this happen i ask?" A1 called in the night and we decided not to wake you up.

Am in a daze, this cannot be happenin i say? you were just born. The newest addition to our family. No i say this cannot be happening.

I still can't process it,all in the space of 6 hours. Life isn't fair.

I didn't get it until i heard your gran telling your dad that she does not know how it feels cuz she has never lost a child. And then it dawns on me and then i lose it completely.

I lock myself up in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Its true you were gone. You were going to be buried. My brother had lost a child.

Everyone says its for the best but am undecided.

It took me 2 days to pull myself together, by then your parents had started worrying about me. But its not about me, its all about you cuz we are two of a kind.

I still cannot speak to your mother cuz i don't know what to say. It still feels as if a part of me has been ripped out and refuses to mend.

I will celebrate your life for the short time you gave us.

I have learnt a new trick, but its so sad. I have learnt to use my eye drops to mask my tears. Its hard thinking about you and all the what if's.

I don't like, i don't want it, but i accept you had to go.

OLUWALONIMI