UPDATING

I haven't been able to post anything for the past couple of days and its thanks to my computer. It just freezes after i've put it on for like 10mins. The computer guru in my house says its the anti virus on it, am still waiting for him to fix it and i know it will be like next year or so.

Ok o, i did not get the job, but i wasn't too disappointed In actual fact with everything that has happened lately, i think its a good thing i did not get the job.

My mum is feeling a bit better now, she's back home now. I can't beleive how stressed i was then. I was always so lost in thought then, i missed the stop of the hospital twice and i had to walk back. But the doctors found out she has a problem with her neck now and it can go worse at anytime,( she went in for an operation on her back) am still a bit worried but am not as bad as i was before.

I couldn't sleep and i was always worrying about all the what ifs. If i had got the job, i would be in nigeria by now still with a thousand and one things still unsettled.

Anyway they say all is well that ends well. I am keeping my fingers crossed and i know she will be fine.

I finally found out my friend was in debt and she was too ashamed to tell me. It took another friend to give me the whole gist. To say i was annoyed was an understatement. Then i also found out she had annoyed a friend here who reported her to me. Thankfully i have sorted that out.

And finally i started sorting my self out. It started with a conversation about business. I want to go back home and i had not decided whether i wanted to get a job or go into business. So i bring up this business idea and decide to discuss it. After my mum had finished telling me the pitfalls, i went into anger mode at nobody wanting to support me. To cut a long story short, she lambasted me, not in an angry way but in a look at your track record, its not that impressive.

Then i went through all the phases of denial, silence, anger and finally acceptance. We talked through so many things that had happened over the years and finally things i had buried that i had almost wiped out of my memory.

It was a couple of dark days, i was always crying at the slightest thing, couldn't eat. I think the worst thing was that i did not have anyone to talk to. At that time family were the last people i wanted to share my feelings with.

Then my ray of light came at worship on sunday and we had the talk about God forgiving us even before we were born. It was so uplifting. There and then i made up my mind not to look back at the past anymore and concentrate on the future. Most of all it the sermon talked about letting go and that is one weakness i have or had. Its not as if i dont forgive or forget things, its just that i didn't know how to let things go.

I've seen that its not recent things that happened or trival things, rather like my mother said sometimes i go into victim mode. Sometimes its easy and i forget i ever had a traumatic past and sometimes even the littlest of things trigger it. But now that i've decided i want to get on with my life without any shadows hanging over, i told my mum that out of all those "people" in my past, there are 2 of them that i still hate and when i get back to nigeria i am going to go and look for them and confront them.

I know it will not be easy but i want closure on my past.

I BELIEVE

I believe
things happen for a reason.
I believe
that when someone or something comes into your life, its for a reason.
I believe
life has a reason.
I believe in my tomorrow.
I believe
my experiences were for a reason.
I beleive
my being here is for a reason.
I believe
I have found that reason.